I need some opinions on my story!?

I am you and You are me

I awoke one morning to the sounds of bird chirps, I thought to myself that I may never her those birds again. My name is Iris and I have a special gift, I am a freed slave living in the north but on one day of every year I go back to my slave years.

My master whipped me several times when I was working on his plantation. Sometimes I wished he knew how it felt to be whipped. The other slaves that worked by my side never said anything to me, I was like a disease to them one word and they might die, Until one day that changed everyone’s life…

I remember going to bed that night thinking how would it have been if I stopped myself from doing all the things that caused him to whip me. The next morning I woke up in a different place, I realized suddenly that this was my old slave headquarters. I carefully crept out of the room and saw my sister standing at the door humming a song I never heard before. I slowly went back towards my bunk and went out the one window above the rotted wood lining the grass floor of the ragged house. I saw myself standing on top of a little hill picking the vegetables that where never supposed to be picked. I then remembered that was the first time I was whipped. I ran up behind my younger self and tapped her on the shoulder and told her “drop the vegetables, if you don’t you gonna get caught! And whipped!” She slowly turned around thankfully I was hidden by the shadows of trees so she couldn’t see my face. She then dropped the vegetables and asked “How you know Ima get whipped?” I simply replied “ I am you and you are me.” and I slowly crept back into the shadows and disappeared.

When I woke up again I ran to my bathroom and looked at my back in the mirror and counted the scars on my back…1.2.3.4.5.6..7.....10.…11…15....25 I remember having 30 scars. My Younger self must’ve listened to me.

(A year later)

I was swimming in the near by river when I went back to that place again.

I went to the back of the masters house to see what I was doing this time. I was sitting in the masters chair in the shade and was eating a sandwich I didn’t make. I ran up to myself and told her “Get out of the masters chair finish the sandwich and then go make him a new one!” I couldn’t wait for a reply I was quickly transported back to the river’s bed side. I grabbed my blanket and ran back inside the house, into the bathroom and looked at my back again. There was now only 20 scars left and that means I did one other thing that got me those scars.

(another year passes)

This time I was sitting bedside of my mama who was deathly sick when I suddenly disappeared. I fell from a tree on my back and got up and dusted myself off. I walked this time towards the plantation ends and saw what I was doing…I was taking my sweet time to cross the plantation into the next state. I yelled “ I am you and you are me, get away from the end of the plantation!” My other self stumbled backwards and said “ Why are you helpin’ me?” all I said was “ I am you and You are me!” and then I ran back to the tree from where I fell and was back at my moms side. I slowly got up and went to the bathroom there was no more scars and no more need for me to transport me back to my old life so I spoke quietly “ I do not need to go back there for I have no more scars that need to be healed.” and then I remember hearing those same birds chirping above me and I realized I was healed.



please give me good feedbackI need some opinions on my story!?
It's all tell not show.

Actually the idea is pretty decent, I like it a lot but the application is not so good.

You short-circuit the drama by telling the story in a way that takes all the excitement out of it.

This is what you write:-



I saw myself standing on top of a little hill picking the vegetables that where never supposed to be picked. I then remembered that was the first time I was whipped. I ran up behind my younger self and tapped her on the shoulder and told her “drop the vegetables, if you don’t you gonna get caught! And whipped!” She slowly turned around thankfully I was hidden by the shadows of trees so she couldn’t see my face. She then dropped the vegetables and asked “How you know Ima get whipped?” I simply replied “ I am you and you are me.” and I slowly crept back into the shadows and disappeared.



How about?

There I was, my own self, standing on the top of the hill pickin' them vegetables that it weren't right to pick. I knew that was how I'd got my first whippin'; for stealin' vegetables. I could still feel the pain o' that whip as it cracked across ma back. It hurt then and it was hurtin' somethin' fierce in my mind. I couldn't let it happen to me again, no way.

From the corner of ma eye I could see the master walkin' towards myself, his lash coiled over his shoulder checkin' on the crops as he walked. He hadn't seen me yet and me hadn't seen him neither.

I ran up the hill. Myself had her back to me and I touched her on the shoulder. "Don't you steal them vegetables," I hissed or you're gonna get a lashin".

"Who you?" me said and turned.

I hid my face behind ma hand. I didn't want to fright her. "I'm tellin' you girl, you drop them vegetables right now as your master is comin' right round that corner any second."

"Don' I know you from somewhere?"

I dropped my hand. "I'm you and you're me. I remember gettin' that lashin' and it hurt real bad. Drop them right now."

My younger face slowly registered shock. "Oh lawd a mighty. Is you a ghost?"

The master was rounding the corner. Any second he would look over and see us with the vegetables in the younger me's hand.

"Drop 'em girl or we both get lashed." I knocked them from her hand stepped back into the shadows and disappeared just his head came up.



If you try it that way it builds the tension. I'm not saying it's perfect but it adds more interest and drama than the way you were telling it.
Hey



Firstly your grammar needs work



Speech should be on seperate lines for dif. characters, you need capital letters, it should be one not 1 and so on.



In places like - I yelled "I am you and you are me!"

There should be a comma after yelled



E.g. "I am Natalie" I said

it should be "I am Natalie," I said.



You repeat "I am you and you are me" too many times, and the you doesn't have a capital why. Why not say, we are both one person?



It's slightly confusing



I don't know, I think the plot is interesting, but I suggest you go back, add more to it, make it more interesting, revise your grammar, then you can have a good story going on.



xI need some opinions on my story!?
There are a lot of good places to go to get story critiques, but this really isn't one of them. If you haven't already done so, I suggest you take a creative writing class at your local community college (not for credit, just for fun.) These are usually not very expensive, and you don't need to be a high school grad to take them.



You can also check out the message boards at your local bookstores for writing groups, or put up a flier yourself asking for like-minded people to join you. LinkedIn and Meetup (Internet groups) both have writing groups you can join.



Good luck!